September 15th, 2009 - Fuck You Numbers 37...and 38

At the beginning of the year, we watched a young teen idol try to make minced-meat out of the face of his, ahem, love interest. Then, we sat back and ridiculed and crucified an athlete who served his time, and accepted the consequences for his actions. And most recently, we witnessed a reality television star mutilate his ex-wife.

WTF America? It seems there are quite a few of us who have our heads up our asses.

No one however has their head further up there ass than Mr. Kanye West. Kanyeezy, Yeezy, Air Yeezy; the afrocentric Chicagoan who for one reason or another can't seem to get enough of himself. Unfortunately, the guy hasn't done anything positive for music since laying down some solid beats for Talib Kweli's Quality.

Let's look at what he's done since:

• He's taken others' ideas and music, and tried to make it his own (that's a given).


• He gave us auto-tune (hopefully Jigga stepped up and finally put it to rest).


• He has made a CLOWN out of himself on stage numerous times in an attempt to maliciously attack his fellow artists...

Wait a minute, that last one could be seen in a positive light, however his last stunt pulled on "TEENAGER" Taylor Swift at this year's MTV Video Music Awards was nothing short of appalling. Furthermore, the ass-faced producer claims he recognized it was a heartless thing to do moments after letting the words escape his mouth into the microphone in front of millions...can I throw the bullshit flag here, or does someone else want to? Even President Obama has reportedly commented on your lack of decency and respect for your "colleagues." You dick.

I can only hope (and an awfully big hope it is) that this most recent episode kills your career.

Fuck you Kanye West. And fuck the doctor who didn't leave your jaw wired shut back in '05.

Cheers.

September 9th, 2009 - Fuck You Numbers 34, 35 and 36

Fuck you Apple for tricking me into another product of yours that isn't ready for the masses. Fuck you Adobe for not coordinating with Apple to release a product that is compatible with your software.

FUCK YOU SNOW LEOPARD.

Cheers.

June 18th, 2009 - Fuck You Numbers 32 AND 33

Does anyone else see a significant problem in our judicial system here in the good ol' US of A?

Case in point - Check out the article here.

I recently touched upon a DUI that I unfortunately received September 29th, 2007. I was slightly more impaired than Mr. Stallworth was in the events mentioned in the news article above. I received a sentence of 15 days in jail, among a plethora of other guidelines that I was required to uphold and obligations I was instructed to fulfill. Due to Mr. Stallworth's monetary settlement with the family of the victim, he was sentenced to serve only 30 days in jail...yes that's correct - 30. And I say victim's family because in this particular scenario, a human being died.

DEAD.

I will steer clear (pun intended) of venturing into any elaborate details regarding how effed in the heads the family of the victim are for seemingly placing a price on their son's head. They're greedy prerogative is no business of mine. On the other hand, what kind of message are we sending to our children, and those individuals who will grow to represent our country after we have aged too old to do so?

I personally am appalled by what has happened here. Let me reiterate, 15 days for DUI; 30 days for DUI with vehicular manslaughter. If you've been contemplating scrubbing someone from this Earth, keep this little fact in mind.

Fuck America's judicial system. Fuck how ass-backwards this system is, and how it proves once again that EVERYTHING has a price. Oh, and fuck you too, Florida. What have you done for us in this decade?

Cheers.

June 11, 2009 - Fuck You Number 31

As most of you know, I spend most of my time within the creative atmosphere that is interactive design. Albeit marketing, advertising or just simply designing something for the fun of it, a large portion of my 24 hour day is dedicated to making stuff for the internet and its users.

I have a large array of clients ranging from local mom & pop shops, to national brands that most of you would recognize if I was to pull the proverbial "name drop." I'll refrain from doing this because I myself cringe at the mere thought of people name dropping.

Anyway, I'll get to the point.

Why do some (not all) clients feel the need to direct the creative, message and sometimes even the campaign that they've hired my company to put together for them? I understand this is your "baby," and that you have probably invested time and money into giving it life. But, if you're not going to trust my colleagues and I when it comes time to let us do what we do then why did you hire us in the first place?

Let me provide you with an example of how absurd this thought process is.

In September of '07, I was pulled over for driving under the influence of alcohol. Needless to say, I had to attend several court proceedings where I ultimately sat and awaited judgment from a giant man with a wooden mallet. When the time came to venture into these exclusive meetings between me and the "mallet wielder," I let my lawyer do the talking and negotiating. Waaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute...seriously...I let my lawyer do what I hired him to do? Why? Because that's what he does, and hopefully he knows what he is doing. OH, and shit, I'M PAYING HIM.

So, for God's sake if you go to a restaurant and order food, let the chef cook your food. If you take your car into the mechanic, let him change the brakes. When you hire a contractor to build your house, let the contractor build your house.

Otherwise, do it yourself and don't waste our time.

Fuck those people who feel like they have to do everything themselves; those people who can't put a single ounce of trust into any one of their fellow humans.

Cheers.

May 20th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 30

As some of you might already know from a previous post, I've recently purchased a lovely KHS road bike. It has become very dear to me. I've spent at least an hour riding it every day since I purchased it three short weeks ago. My computer is becoming somewhat jealous.

Amidst all of the positive things it has brought me, it was nice enough to bring one negative; a pseudo pair of x-ray glasses that have allowed me to see how impatient and selfish the drivers of this beautiful city are.

On my ten minute ride to work this morning, I was nearly hit by a vehicle. Twice.

One of the first things we learn as children is to look both ways before crossing the street. This lesson is applicable to all forms of transportation, not just walking.

When you're in your car waiting to turn right at a red light, and I have the right-of-way, make sure I haven't begun to enter the intersection before you squeal the tires of your beautiful black BMW. I know you have to get to your meeting, but if you're sitting in jail on an alleged manslaughter charge, you're not likely to make your meeting as it is. Right?

And I'm going to be very pissed off lying six feet underground.

Instead of saying fuck you, I am asking that as a driver you pay attention to your surroundings while operating a two ton scrap of metal.

Please?

Cheers.

May 2nd, 2009 - Fuck You Number 29

I've been looking for a bike for some time now. The right bike, for the right price. Today some wonderful person posted my bike on Craigslist. This bike here.

Thanks person from Craigslist. You made my weekend.

Oh, and fuck you, car. There might not be a need for you any longer.

Cheers.

April 28th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 24

I was standing near the red carpet at the premier of Wolverine in Tempe, Arizona last night.

"Oh my god, like, I totally just saw Hugh Jackman and Taylor Kitsch?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Those are the words I hear screamed over, and over.

Over.

And Over.

I hear them screamed so many times that there is a point where I find myself peering into the mirrored sunglasses of the blonde 20-something standing next to me. And no, I'm not trying to look into her soul in order to try and score a piece of ass for this evening. I'm checking to see if my fucking ears are bleeding.

Jesus H.

When did celebrities become Gods? The Greeks had Aphrodite and Zeus; the Egyptians, Ra and Amun. Our society has become so lazy, we don't even attempt to CREATE our own. We settle for Angelina, and Patrick Dempsey.

This just in: you all are fucking clueless. These people our society idolizes are exactly like you and I. Believe it. There is nothing "special" about them.

Hugh Jackman is NOT REALLY Wolverine.

Fuck envy, and more-so, fuck all of you insecure assholes that hold Sarah Jessica Parker's life in a higher regard than the person sitting in the cubicle next to you.

Cheers.

April 24th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 23

Like Aaron Lewis said, "It's Been Awhile..."

I spent an hour-and-a-half on the phone today with a customer service representative whose English was, for lack of a better term, piss-fucking-poor.

I'm not about to go off on a "if you live in this country you need to speak English" rant, because I feel that has got to be one of the most disgustingly selfish requests of our society. However (and this is directed to YOU corporate America), if you're going to hire someone to HELP me with my issues and concerns, could you please ensure that the person HELPING me can make it through the English alphabet ONCE, without fucking up? I called you all, and I spent the better part of the conversation teaching this gentleman (and he was a nice man) elementary level English.

Fuck you corporate America. Fuck your constant thirst for that "paper" and your complete disregard for customer service, and those who ULTIMATELY provide you with that "paper."

Cheers.

February 9th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 22

Excuses.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

They're like assholes...wait, you've heard that one before? I figured.

I'm so sick and tired of excuses. I watched the movie Yes Man last night with Jim Carrey, and it forced me to think about the people I interact with on a daily basis, and how utterly identical they are to the character portrayed by Mr. Carrey.

I know I've blogged about integrity in the past, and how important I feel it is to remain honest and true to those around you. Not just your friends and family, but the people that you come into contact with every day. As I sit and watch our society crumble to the ground faster than a 90 year-old woman with Osteoporosis, and two busted hips, I can't seem to talk myself out of what I believe to be the root of our society's suicidal demolition.

Our inability to be forthright with people for whatever reason has become absolutely inexplicable. Why do we feel the need to continually lie to those who surround us?

If we had a lunch scheduled at noon, and you found yourself in a horrendous bout with the Hershey squirts this morning, let me know. We have all been there. It's nothing new. At least I'll know that you weren't spacing me off because Heidi Klum walked into your office and asked you to take her over your desktop...although, this would be an acceptable excuse to miss our luncheon, too.

The fact of the matter is, I don't need to hear what you weren't doing. I would LIKE to hear what you were doing.

If I open the door to my house, and find you and my wife in the middle of a passionate display of affection, I can't get too mad at her if she actually tripped, fell, and landed on your dick. Okay, I take that back, I can.

The point is, no one likes to be lied to. No one.

I urge you to spend one day of your life without telling even the whitest of lies.

You'll be surprised at how you feel as you lay your head on that "100% down" (<------ that's bullshit) pillow of yours.

Fuck excuses.

Cheers.

January 5th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 21

December 31st, 2008 - #21

Goodbye, 2008.

You were a year that gave me many things to be grateful for. You introduced me to a few beautiful babies throughout the year. You allowed the Miami Dolphins to resurrect their lifeless program. You took me on a whirlwind of a ride across the United States to a place loved by many, called Myrtle Beach.

But, you also placed me in some very interesting situations. You picked up a 120 pound couch from the bed of a pick-up I was driving, and threw it in front of the Hyundai following close behind, thus increasing the time period I'm required to use an ignition interlock device to operate my motor vehicle. Then there was the time that you forced that bottle of Crown Royal down my throat, causing me to act extremely irrationally, and without a care in the world. I believe I awakened the next morning with a black eye, and a blonde I did not recognize lying next to me, half-naked. I'm not complaining by any means, but I could have done without the black eye. Finally, there was the time that you coaxed me into venturing out on that camping endeavor. You remember? The one where I lost myself in the middle of the northern Arizona woods for approximately half a day, without a person within earshot.

Yes, 2008. That one.

The good thing is, I can look back at you now and learn from the obstacles you placed in front of me. I overcame several issues, severe, and small, and I did it with great perseverance.

I pray 2009 can be as gratifying, both on an educational, and experiential level.

Fuck you, 2008.

Bring on 2009.

Cheers.