May 2nd, 2009 - Fuck You Number 29

I've been looking for a bike for some time now. The right bike, for the right price. Today some wonderful person posted my bike on Craigslist. This bike here.

Thanks person from Craigslist. You made my weekend.

Oh, and fuck you, car. There might not be a need for you any longer.

Cheers.

April 28th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 24

I was standing near the red carpet at the premier of Wolverine in Tempe, Arizona last night.

"Oh my god, like, I totally just saw Hugh Jackman and Taylor Kitsch?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Those are the words I hear screamed over, and over.

Over.

And Over.

I hear them screamed so many times that there is a point where I find myself peering into the mirrored sunglasses of the blonde 20-something standing next to me. And no, I'm not trying to look into her soul in order to try and score a piece of ass for this evening. I'm checking to see if my fucking ears are bleeding.

Jesus H.

When did celebrities become Gods? The Greeks had Aphrodite and Zeus; the Egyptians, Ra and Amun. Our society has become so lazy, we don't even attempt to CREATE our own. We settle for Angelina, and Patrick Dempsey.

This just in: you all are fucking clueless. These people our society idolizes are exactly like you and I. Believe it. There is nothing "special" about them.

Hugh Jackman is NOT REALLY Wolverine.

Fuck envy, and more-so, fuck all of you insecure assholes that hold Sarah Jessica Parker's life in a higher regard than the person sitting in the cubicle next to you.

Cheers.

April 24th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 23

Like Aaron Lewis said, "It's Been Awhile..."

I spent an hour-and-a-half on the phone today with a customer service representative whose English was, for lack of a better term, piss-fucking-poor.

I'm not about to go off on a "if you live in this country you need to speak English" rant, because I feel that has got to be one of the most disgustingly selfish requests of our society. However (and this is directed to YOU corporate America), if you're going to hire someone to HELP me with my issues and concerns, could you please ensure that the person HELPING me can make it through the English alphabet ONCE, without fucking up? I called you all, and I spent the better part of the conversation teaching this gentleman (and he was a nice man) elementary level English.

Fuck you corporate America. Fuck your constant thirst for that "paper" and your complete disregard for customer service, and those who ULTIMATELY provide you with that "paper."

Cheers.

February 9th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 22

Excuses.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

They're like assholes...wait, you've heard that one before? I figured.

I'm so sick and tired of excuses. I watched the movie Yes Man last night with Jim Carrey, and it forced me to think about the people I interact with on a daily basis, and how utterly identical they are to the character portrayed by Mr. Carrey.

I know I've blogged about integrity in the past, and how important I feel it is to remain honest and true to those around you. Not just your friends and family, but the people that you come into contact with every day. As I sit and watch our society crumble to the ground faster than a 90 year-old woman with Osteoporosis, and two busted hips, I can't seem to talk myself out of what I believe to be the root of our society's suicidal demolition.

Our inability to be forthright with people for whatever reason has become absolutely inexplicable. Why do we feel the need to continually lie to those who surround us?

If we had a lunch scheduled at noon, and you found yourself in a horrendous bout with the Hershey squirts this morning, let me know. We have all been there. It's nothing new. At least I'll know that you weren't spacing me off because Heidi Klum walked into your office and asked you to take her over your desktop...although, this would be an acceptable excuse to miss our luncheon, too.

The fact of the matter is, I don't need to hear what you weren't doing. I would LIKE to hear what you were doing.

If I open the door to my house, and find you and my wife in the middle of a passionate display of affection, I can't get too mad at her if she actually tripped, fell, and landed on your dick. Okay, I take that back, I can.

The point is, no one likes to be lied to. No one.

I urge you to spend one day of your life without telling even the whitest of lies.

You'll be surprised at how you feel as you lay your head on that "100% down" (<------ that's bullshit) pillow of yours.

Fuck excuses.

Cheers.

January 5th, 2009 - Fuck You Number 21

December 31st, 2008 - #21

Goodbye, 2008.

You were a year that gave me many things to be grateful for. You introduced me to a few beautiful babies throughout the year. You allowed the Miami Dolphins to resurrect their lifeless program. You took me on a whirlwind of a ride across the United States to a place loved by many, called Myrtle Beach.

But, you also placed me in some very interesting situations. You picked up a 120 pound couch from the bed of a pick-up I was driving, and threw it in front of the Hyundai following close behind, thus increasing the time period I'm required to use an ignition interlock device to operate my motor vehicle. Then there was the time that you forced that bottle of Crown Royal down my throat, causing me to act extremely irrationally, and without a care in the world. I believe I awakened the next morning with a black eye, and a blonde I did not recognize lying next to me, half-naked. I'm not complaining by any means, but I could have done without the black eye. Finally, there was the time that you coaxed me into venturing out on that camping endeavor. You remember? The one where I lost myself in the middle of the northern Arizona woods for approximately half a day, without a person within earshot.

Yes, 2008. That one.

The good thing is, I can look back at you now and learn from the obstacles you placed in front of me. I overcame several issues, severe, and small, and I did it with great perseverance.

I pray 2009 can be as gratifying, both on an educational, and experiential level.

Fuck you, 2008.

Bring on 2009.

Cheers.

December 27th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 20

Merry Christmas, all.

I can finally utter those despicable words after a six-pack, and a bottle of wine.

Oh, and two days late, for those who didn't take note.

When I was a child, I used to look forward to Christmas. I remember the last three weeks venturing up to the holiday going so slow, it was if they were dragging behind them a trailer full of all of the snow that had been left upon the ground. I couldn't wake up in the morning without hoping and wishing that somehow or another, someone had jumped up-and-down on that gigantic fast-forward button that every other kid on planet Earth was unable to find.

I guess that's the beauty of being a child. The wondrous beauty of being completely oblivious as to everything that goes into planning a joyous Christmas occasion. After all, the only direction you have at that time is to tear open the gifts that have your name spelled out across the cute, Santa signed tag.

At what point in time did the holiday that was supposed to be the most beloved, become the most stressful, and feared?

You've gotta be kidding me? I thought I was coming home, to spend time with the people I hold dearest to my heart. Of course I would bring with me gifts for the "grandchildren," and hugs for Grandma and Grandpa? But, at what point in time did it become right for a 30 year-old's parent's to hound him/her about a Christmas list? I don't need anything.

Fuck commerce, and everything that has pushed Christmas into the simplistic holiday of gift-giving and buying. Has it really taken away our time that we get to spend with our families, and loved ones?

Cheers.

December 8th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 19

You've got be kidding me?

I had three dear friends get laid off today. These three individuals were three of the hardest working, most knowledge hungry people I've ever known. And I do know. I worked with all three of them during my career. 

Unfortunately, I can't lend my opinion to all three of their situations, however, two of them I can. I can because they were just released from a company I left a short time ago; a firm in which I know they continued to work for. 

These two particular individuals worked on accounts that I worked on. Accounts that I helped build. They regularly had clients screaming their names while bent over the conference room table, in excitement of what they were about to potentially do for their brand. These two weren't hacks. And they weren't "let go" because of their work ethic, experience, or their general demeanor. 

I can tell you why they were fired. 

They were fired because the principal wasn't at all attracted to either one of them. The interesting thing is, one was male, and the other, female. My ex-principal is one of the most shallow people I've ever met. He cares for nothing other than what he looks like. And his staff is representative of that. This was solidified in my mind today, when he fired two very qualified, and talented people, who have been in the business for 2-4 years, and kept one junior employee with five months experience. 

Why? The anonymity of this blog prohibits me from posting a picture of this woman's body. Let's just say even Chuck Norris felt a little pre-cum in his pants when he looked at her picture. 

Fuck you, ex-principal. Need I say more?

Oh, and I hope you read this.

Cheers.