November 24th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 17

Sometimes, I feel like I want to leave this place for good. No, no, not the Earth. I would have a harder time taking my own life, than the Denver police department would have figuring out who took Jon Benet's. I'm talking about this God awful city. This city can turn the most beautiful people into the fakest, greediest, and most self-absorbed schmucks. Something in the air causes people to care about two things; money, and how many red-lights they can run during their one-hour lunch break. The latter being a truly awesome phenomenon. 

In the four years that I have lived here on the face of the sun, I've seen three good friends come to inhabit this city, only to watch it suck every bit of decency out of their bodies. Three friends of mixed sex and race, who were once good, genuine, and caring people. Three people who have in one way or another, had a very positive affect on my life. Now, I sit back, and watch as they destroy themselves, their careers, and worst of all, their souls. I've watched this city suck the life-force right from their very being. Video tape an apricot sitting in a dehydrator for eight hours, put it into an editing suite, and apply a time-lapse filter to it. Then, watch it. You'll see a pretty good representation of what I am talking about.

But why? 

It is such a beautiful city. And the weather? Aside from the three months a year you dowse yourself in Gold Bond hoping to feel some sort of cool sensation, this place is paradise.

Who knows?! 

I've been trying to figure this out for quite some time now, and quite frankly, I've become exhausted while doing so. If anyone has any idea, please, help me out.

For now, I'll just chalk it up as fuck you number 17.

Fuck this city. Fuck you, Phoenix, Arizona, and your ability to lift your leg and piss on us all, like we're fire hydrants placed strategically among your busy streets.

Cheers. 

October 8th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 1

It's no secret the human race is hurling downhill faster than an overweight twelve-year-old on a toboggan, drooling butter out of the corner of his mouth. I'm one to talk. I work for an advertising agency in one of the three Southernmost states in the good old USA. My job is somewhat unethical, immoral, and downright despicable; but enjoyable nonetheless. My sole duty is to perpetuate peoples' false wants and needs. 

For instance, just yesterday I paced back-and-forth at the front of a conference room convincing the CEO of a major ice cream company the demographic they're trying to capture is a 27 year-old female. That might be true if that female I had portrayed was a hefty broad scraping by on her food stamps. Instead, I used a pampered and primped blonde with fake tits, who just finished performing cunnilingus on an Asian woman for giving her what she thought was the "Sistine Chapel" of pedicures. You know her, the woman who injects substances into her brow for that extra boost of confidence.

There's something wrong in that second paragraph? Many would think the language used to describe the plastic blonde's act of burying her face in between the nail technician's legs to be inappropriate. Others would argue I was wrong in tricking this corporate big-wig into believing these women shoving their fingers down each others' throats would actually indulge in these delicious 2,000 calorie treats. No, no. The major concern at hand here is the image we as a society have ingrained in our minds as being right. In this case, the woman who feels a $100 debit transaction to have her nails painted pink will somehow help how the public views her.

The diets. The surgeries. The air-brushed centerfold. The tabloid photograph that praises Nicole Richie for looking like a piece of Barilla angel hair ready to be dropped into a pot of boiling water. It's repulsive. Someone let these women know they're beautiful. Someone let all humans know they are beautiful.

Fuck you, insecurities. Fuck these irrational and unrealistic portraits society has painted in our minds. 

And thus begins my 365 day rant directed toward the character flaws society has provided us to help destroy each other.

Cheers.