November 18th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 16

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for how long it has taken me in between posts as of late. I've been slacking, greatly. I am well aware of this, and for that, I apologize. I'll try not to let it happen again.

That being said, I will have you all know (the three of you who emailed me to tell me of my literary drought) that I HAVE been using my time wisely. Since my last post, I've consumed a quantity of whiskey known to be fatal to most Shetland ponies, and explored the seemingly uncharted territory between an anonymous beautiful blonde's legs. And I did it all while smoking enough cigarettes to bitch-slap the Marlboro man.

But enough about me. Now you know what I've been doing with my time in the last week, until this afternoon.

This afternoon I sat on hold with my cable company for an unacceptable amount of time. I don't recall the exact amount of time that I sat here on the phone, so I've devised a scheme that will assist us in deducing how much of my time I gave to, [Meatpoles] communications. 

Let us look at what we know. 

I spent way too much fucking time on hold today. 

We know that. How do we know that? I'll tell you how we know that.

We know that based on this simple equation (feel free to use it, it works): 

Time spent on hold is ≥ Number of times you wrap the duct-tape around your head securing your phone to your ear  X  Number of suicide attempts to end the conversation

There you have it. Simple as that. Try it out, I guarantee your outcome to be correct and accurate.

Fuck hold times. Fuck the complete and utter lack of customer service we have in our society today. 

Cheers.

October 28th, 2008 - Fuck You Number 12

Okay, so, please read my previous post. Let's get it clear people. You have to READ the post. You have to understand the words in the context of the sentence they are used in.

For example, if I was to say, "I love this thing, more than life itself," I'm not really suggesting that I love the object in question here more than life itself. That, would be absurd. Life, even in a society characterized by capitalistic schmucks, is better than not-life.

Read into it people. It's the clothing. A metaphor, if you will. I speak of the way we've all begun to take less respect in our appearance. Largely in part to our laziness. There once was a time when we as a society would wear our Sunday's finest out to Wrigley Field to consume hot-dogs, while watching America's finest baseball team lay pine-to-leather in America's most famed ballpark. 

The point is, care for your appearance. Some people can pull the "hipster" look off, because they live the lifestyle, and simply look cool doing it. Shit, Axl Rose wore leather every day of the week...I'm guessing those that followed in his footsteps aren't sitting in on any, "board of directors" meetings. For the rest, dress in a way that's gonna allow you to interact with others on a more personal level. Whatever garb you decide to throw over your head, make sure it's fitting, and it makes you feel comfortable. You'll feel better about yourself, which in turn will allow our society to grow.

After all America, that's my only purpose to composing these posts, to facilitate America's positive growth.

Fuck those people who try to find something to complain about (whoops, kinda me). Seriously, read through it, and try to find the underlying meaning of things. You'll learn more.

Cheers.